Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA since 1998, offended many last week after his comments to CNN about racism on the football pitch. “There is no racism,” he claimed on the same day Liverpool’s Luis Suarez was charged with racially abusing Manchester United’s Patrice Evra. "There is maybe one of the players towards another - he has a word or a gesture which is not the correct one. But the one who is affected by that, he should say: 'This is a game. We are in a game, and at the end of the game, we shake hands.'”
Not only was the 75 year-old Swiss’s timing out given the aforementioned English FA racism charge last Thursday (17th), but the suggestion of racism being settled with a mere handshake – and I’m English so I love handshakes – is ludicrous. Pundits and presidents, gaffers, great players and even bad players all had their say on the matter.
Manchester United defender Rio Ferdinand, who nowadays falls into the latter category, decided to whinge to his legion of Twitter followers. He declared himself “astonished” and continued to express his bafflement until he Tweeted Blatter directly: “@SeppBlatter your comments on racism are so condescending its almost laughable. If fans shout racist chants but shake our hands is that ok?”
Other football personalities waded in with their opinions – often perfectly legitimate opinions like Ferdinand’s – but the fact that former Tottenham Hotspur striker Garth Crooks and former England defender Sol Campbell were “shocked” is rather confusing.
Sepp Blatter is a lecherous old man who is too dated for his role as FIFA chief. If world football is now plush stadiums with retractable roofs, Blatter is the fat pigeon who nests in the contraption, rendering it useless. If he wasn’t in charge of world football he would be sat at a bar, ogling women and stinking of cheap shower gel (like the shiny pink stuff that’s in the dispensers at swimming baths). I expect he has a substantial collection of crocodile shoes too.
So why are people surprised by his ignorant comments on racism? Let’s just have a run through his career highlights thus far:
1. In 1998 Blatter becomes FIFA president in an appointed shadowed by claims of backroom back-handers earning him the role.
2. In 2004 he implements the largely unpopular rule which stipulates that if a player removes his shirt when celebrating he will receive a yellow card.
3. His suggestions for ladies’ football: "They could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so, and they already have some different rules to men - such as playing with a lighter ball. That decision was taken to create a more female aesthetic, so why not do it in fashion?"
4. His calls for the abolition of draws in football thankfully fall on deaf ears.
5. Despite historic sports such as cricket and tennis flourishing due to the technological advances they’ve introduced, football still awaits goal-line technology and even video replays.
6. When asked about gay football fans who may want to follow the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, where homosexuality is illegal, Blatter quipped that “they should refrain from any sexual activities.”
7. Admittedly this is hilarious. Blatter on hearing of England captain John Terry’s affair with international and former club team-mate Wayne Bridge’s wife: "If this had happened in, let's say, Latin countries then I think he would have been applauded."
8. In 2011, Blatter is re-elected in an unopposed battle for the FIFA presidency.
We’re still awaiting the judgement on whether John Terry, England captain and notorious idiot, racially abused Anton Ferdinand, the QPR defender and brother of Rio. Why bother? Shake hands and have a laugh about it. Maybe even encourage Terry to try his luck with Mrs Blatter – it would be met with a rapturous reception from Sepp himself.
Movember update: it’s quite substantial, and goes by the name of Rusty due to it being quite ginger. Please show your support to prostate cancer sufferers and donate to me on http://ca.movember.com/mospace/2079574/
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